My goal in this project was to show how prevalent pornography addictions are and how many people are impacted by them. Knowing from first hand experience the emotions that can be felt when having a loved one with a pornography addiction, I wanted to show individuals who had experienced the same situation and found ways to cope and heal. I was able to find four women who were willing to share their experiences with me and their stories were incredibly moving to me. Some are without pictures for sake of privacy and keep in mind that all names have been changed.
Julie
Julie
The first time my husband told me about his addiction was in passing on our honeymoon. More a matter-of-fact, this is how it used to be. While it was surprising, he made it sound like his problem had been settled and was a complete thing of the past. I didn't think too much about it, because I feel very strongly that people can change their ways and to not judge them for their past.
Seven months past. I came home one night after work to find that some friends had surprised my husband and came to visit. After they left, I picked up our laptop that had been hastily closed. I went to our browsing history to pull something up I'd been working on earlier when I was shocked and horrified to see some graphic website names. I confronted my husband. He informed me that he'd been having problems for a few months and didn't know how to tell me. I was overcome with emotions and started crying. My husband started crying too. It was too much for me to handle. I gave him a hug and then bolted from the house to give myself some time.
I remember being dumbfounded and confused. I had never seen this coming. My husband is a good, decent man who I'd known for years. It had never occurred to me that he had this side of him. That night started a new life for us. We began to see our bishop, who counseled us. Between our sessions with our bishop and our own conversations, I found out that my husband had been struggling with his addiction for almost seven years. He had spent hours giving in to his temptation daily, growing more ashamed and more frustrated over the years. He found guidance from other bishops and would go through periods of soberness, but continually fell back into the trap. What started as an accidental sighting at a friend's house lead to seeking out photographs, which lead to seeking out videos and interactive online chats, gradually getting more and more destructive. Our new bishop had seen first hand the destruction of substance abuse within his own family and recognized that pornography is also a form of addiction. He helped us to be a part of the 12 Step program. He also referred us to a psychiatrist who specialized in helping pornography addicts. My husband and I attended the 12 step program for a few months. My husband also saw the specialist for nearly a year. During that time my husband learned more about his addiction as well as tactics to handle it.
This was a hard, depressing time in my life. I could not see the past the personal betrayal. I could not help but feel like his problem reflected on something to do with me and that I was not good enough and that I looked nothing like the fictional characters he sought out. Nothing my husband said to the contrary was believable to me, because he had shattered my trust in him. After months of depression, I ended up having a break down and confided to my friend. I was shocked to find that my friend knew exactly what I was going through because her husband was an addict as well. She told me what she had gone through and how things could get better. Hearing her story gave me hope because it was so personal. Ever since then, my friend has been my rock. She has comforted me through her empathy and understanding as well as her advise from her personal experiences. We are both dealing with an on-going battle.
My husband and I took precautions. We added more filters and safeguards and leaned more heavily on our faith in God and trust in His healing abilities. We struggled to fix our relationship. Though I never doubted we would let this tear our marriage apart, it obviously injured our relationship. While the pornography itself was hideous and hurtful to me, the lies he told to cover his trail were even more so. Some times, my husband has the strength to contact me when he is feeling weak and is able to back away from temptation and talk to me until he is feeling stronger. Other times, he gives in. And lies to me. Usually, some form of intuition makes me realize something is wrong and he'll fess up. Other times, he'll lie in order to "protect" me.
This is the part of pornography I despise. The deceit. The selfishness. The greed. I love my husband and normally, these are NOT the words anyone would use to describe him. But his addiction turns him into a stranger who only cares about himself. It is devastating. My only hope is seeing his sincere, true desire to over come this problem. I have seen my husband weep in pain as he sees how deeply he has hurt me, because he's tired of feeling controlled by his addiction, because he wants to change.
My husband has had his ups and downs in the nearly ten years since he was first exposed to pornography. It is hard for me to understand and to realize how much progress he has made since then, because I have only seen the most recent years. But I know that as long as he continues to work to change, he will grow stronger and better able to resist. Some days it's hard to think the pain will ever go away, but other days it's not there and we are genuinely happy. For those who are in this same position, my heart goes out to you. Know that you are not alone. Be strong.
Anna
When I was about 5 maybe 6 years old, I found a magazine with a bunch of naked women in it...and as a 5 year old, you have no clue what that means. On and off until I was about 12, I would find magazines and movies, stuff on the computer, etc. of the same nature. When I was in Young Women's, I learned what they were and that it was bad. Since then, I have realized the effect it has had on me. The pornography I found belonged to my dad and growing up, my dad always said rude, degrading things to me and it never occurred to me that it was because he was comparing me to the pictures and movies he was watching. Things that came from it were self-esteem issues and an eating disorder. I am 22 now, have been in therapy since I was 18 and finally getting to the bottom of everything. Pornography is devastating. It ruins relationships and brings so much heartache.
Things I have done to cope have been the church, first and foremost. I know that I wouldn't have been able to get through any of this without my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. My family is not active so that was hard growing up too. The Young Women's Program and leaders were definitely helpful. When I turned 15, I started taking piano lessons. Since I was a little girl, music has brought so much joy to my life. That has been my main coping skill throughout my life. Another main coping skills has been my friends. I have the greatest friends and they have been there for me through everything. I couldn't have asked for better friends.
Hailey and Kathy
I would have to say that my experiences about having a loved one addicted to pornography began after I graduated from high school. In other words, I wasn't necessarily (or consciously) affected by my dad's addiction until all the information of his lifestyle and choices came to light in 2007. I know that he was going through things when I was younger, but until I knew he was gay, I didn't know that pornography was a part of the problem.
Since pornography was a huge/main part of his problems for all those years, and that all tied into his being gay, I'd have to say that my being able to attend BYU-Idaho in January of 2008 was a literal haven and sanctuary. I found out *most* of the breakdown on December 14th of 2007, and it wasn't but 3 weeks later I left for Idaho. The ways in which I began to heal from the divorce of my parents, and the new information about my dad, was through singing in Collegiate Singer's on campus and being around other students and friends that shared my same beliefs and were in similar situations--healing from family problems, personal issues, etc.
Since there isn't really words to capture some of the hardest pain I've felt, singing became my emotional voice, and I began to feel the loving effects of the atonement in my life about this situation with my dad. One of my favorite songs we sang (well, there are like too many to choose from, really) is called "How Can I Keep From Singing?"
My life goes on in endless song
above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
that hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it's music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?
Oh though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
Oh though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?
When tyrants tremble in their fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?
No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?
My life goes on in endless song
Above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
How can I keep from singing?
Lord, how can I keep from singing?
Oh, how can I keep from singing?
Here is a YouTube clip of our choir singing it--not great quality on the video, but you get the idea. (I'm the solosit! yay.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?
Another song we did was called, "Mine Arm is Lengthened Out"
Mine arm is lengthened out all the day long
And yet, they will deny me
Yet, they will not come unto me and partake.
How oft would I have gathered you
As a hen gathereth her brood?
How oft would I have gathered you together
But ye would not!
Incline your ear and come unto me:
Hear and your soul shall live.
I shall lengthen out mine arm from day to day
And I will be merciful to those that come unto me.
Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.
Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of mine hands.
Both of these songs became extremely powerful in my life, and being able to sing in a group like I did helped me overcome some of the battles I may have been faced with otherwise. The director of the choir sort of became the father figure in my life, and between him and other choir members (some of my best friends to this day), practically saved me. Overall, I'd have to say that it was the love of good friends and music (and that combination), that helped me begin the healing process of dealing with my dad's lifestyle, and addiction pornography. I constantly reflect on my time there, and basically miss it every day.
Since pornography was a huge/main part of his problems for all those years, and that all tied into his being gay, I'd have to say that my being able to attend BYU-Idaho in January of 2008 was a literal haven and sanctuary. I found out *most* of the breakdown on December 14th of 2007, and it wasn't but 3 weeks later I left for Idaho. The ways in which I began to heal from the divorce of my parents, and the new information about my dad, was through singing in Collegiate Singer's on campus and being around other students and friends that shared my same beliefs and were in similar situations--healing from family problems, personal issues, etc.
Since there isn't really words to capture some of the hardest pain I've felt, singing became my emotional voice, and I began to feel the loving effects of the atonement in my life about this situation with my dad. One of my favorite songs we sang (well, there are like too many to choose from, really) is called "How Can I Keep From Singing?"
My life goes on in endless song
above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
that hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it's music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?
Oh though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
Oh though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?
When tyrants tremble in their fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?
No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?
My life goes on in endless song
Above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
How can I keep from singing?
Lord, how can I keep from singing?
Oh, how can I keep from singing?
Here is a YouTube clip of our choir singing it--not great quality on the video, but you get the idea. (I'm the solosit! yay.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?
Another song we did was called, "Mine Arm is Lengthened Out"
Mine arm is lengthened out all the day long
And yet, they will deny me
Yet, they will not come unto me and partake.
How oft would I have gathered you
As a hen gathereth her brood?
How oft would I have gathered you together
But ye would not!
Incline your ear and come unto me:
Hear and your soul shall live.
I shall lengthen out mine arm from day to day
And I will be merciful to those that come unto me.
Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.
Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of mine hands.
Both of these songs became extremely powerful in my life, and being able to sing in a group like I did helped me overcome some of the battles I may have been faced with otherwise. The director of the choir sort of became the father figure in my life, and between him and other choir members (some of my best friends to this day), practically saved me. Overall, I'd have to say that it was the love of good friends and music (and that combination), that helped me begin the healing process of dealing with my dad's lifestyle, and addiction pornography. I constantly reflect on my time there, and basically miss it every day.
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